Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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