I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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