I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
