I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
