I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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