I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
