anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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