My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
