And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
