BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
