whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
