ya dads aren't the best wingmen
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
