i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
