if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
