I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
