I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
