At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
