i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Im part way to drunk.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
