last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
