Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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