I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
