also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
