actually, I'm a sock model
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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