Princesses don't give blow jobs
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
