did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
