Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(540): View more from Virginia

she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love

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(816): View more from Missouri

Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(760): View more from California

She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.

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(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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(360): View more from Washington

Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.

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(716): View more from New York

It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.

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