We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
