I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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