First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
