somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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