just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
