two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
