i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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