The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
