Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
being pregnant is like rehab
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
