sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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