things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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