Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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