I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
