no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
