So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
