So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
even my farts smell like vagina
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
