am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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