Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
