I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Drunk is a universal language darling
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
