she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
