i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you had me at cake vodka
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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