Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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