Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
