i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
